The real story of the Houston Texans offseason moves to date

HOUSTON - The 2025 NFL Year is two months along. For the 32 NFL franchises, the action has been fast and furious. So it was with the Houston Texans. Yet, we, the general public, really didnt know what was going on with the inner workings of the Texans, or how they came to the decisions that they diduntil now. Using our crack investigative team, and advanced technical means that are in no way unethical or might cause attendees at Black Hat to flinch, we got insider dirt on how this all went we talked with some unnamed staffers, and reassured them repeatedly that we would never leak their browser search historyor so in cap space. We cut Shaq Mason, saved $2M. Traded away Kenyon Green, getting a draft pick and a defensive stalwart. Let guys like Eric Murray walk, Got Nico Collins to restructure. Savings reigned supreme. Then we came to Tunsil. GrabDem wanted to outright fire him. Recommended that at 11 p. m. on a Saturday. Caserio, however, wasnt buying. Sure, Tunsil carried the largest cap hit on the roster, and he didnt have the best of seasons. Yet, to trade him? Caserio did get a number of draft picks. Didnt get the replacement 1st rounders, but after Watson, cant always hit Double-Zero back-to-back. Tunsil wasnt thrilled at first, but when we told him that Maryland is a bit more liberal with CBD and he wouldnt have to look over his shoulder for Andre Ware with a machete asking about another false starthe was good. Free from the threat of Andre Ware!!!!!Photo by Alex Slitz/Getty ImagesInteresting, so that explains a lot of the early moves? Our reporter countered. The staffer went on: Well, it seemed so at first. I mean, we let Eric Murray go. I know thatBurke was so-so on the move, but he understood it as a business decision. However, Caserio and Burke seemed to go out of their way to keep GrabDem away fromRyans. When asked why, the staffer gave us a James-Harden side-eye and noted Uh, you do know what Ryans has done to the last few disappeared staffers? Admittedly, our people did hear rumors about several staffers suffering soul-killing injuries via multiple German Suplexes, ump-teen Spears and something called a Killer Kowalski Specialstill, we only thought them rumors. Yeah, you only think theyre rumors. retorted the staffer Tremon Smith Jersey. So, anyway, back to the off-season. Houston is on a cost-cutting spreeonly to then go wildon the contract extensions. You saw the extension for Stingley. Reset the market, and made the DOGE dude cry in his Cybertruck. Then the Hunter extensionsure, all reasonable in the sense of decent extensions and it will get ahead of the market, but Mr. GrabDem DOGE-y was beside himselfscreamed that Caserio had gone all calls. I dont have the exact transcript, but I think that it went something like Hey, Mr. Caserio. Just feel so blessed. First, want to thank God, cause through him all things are possible. I just know He is working through you to help get me a good offensive line. I mean, I dont know why you let Tunsil go, and why we spent all that money on defenders. But, as I trust Him, Ill trust that He is working through youAfter that call, suddenly, Houston signs all the offensive linemen to bargain deals. Robinson, half the O-line from the 2024 Vikings, two fat guys working the food truck down the street. Think what Caserio did with all of those linebackers back in 2021. When asked about how the staffer took this move, the staffer replied: Well, the DOGE guy said he could appreciate the lower prices, but he also opined that he could devise a system for the team to win without spending so much money on players. Said he would use some A1 programming to create offensive protection. You mean, AI? Nope Casey Toohill Jersey. He kept repeating A1. Grok A1 is the key, etc. Still, I guess Nick and Burke were tolerating thisWhat do you mean were? Did the DOGE consultant get fired or something? Well, maybe fired isnt the right wordYou see, after all of the moves undertaken without DOGE approval, GrabDem got a little hurt. Thus, demanded that everyone on the coaching staff provide him, GrabDem, weekly bullet points on why Houston shouldnt fire them. At this point, Caserio and Burke just had enough. They took him to meet Coach Ryans. You want me to provide WHAT?!?!?!Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images GrabDem barely had time to utter anything when Ryans roared YOU WANTED ME TO GET RID OF AUTRY?!?!? YOU WANTED ME TO WEAKEN MY DEFENSE!?!? I NEED A BETTER DEFENSE. BETTER!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?! I DONT CARE HOW MUCH IT COSTS!!!! WHAT PART OF THIS DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!?!?! OH, AND YOU THINK I NEED TO GIVE YOU FIVE BULLET POINTS? I GOT FIVE WEAPONS: TWO FISTS, TWO FEET, AND A HEAD FULL OF STEEL AND RAGE!!! TRY ME MOTHER!!!!GrabDem blubbered something efficiencyor at least he tried. Right up until Matt Burke popped in, commenting Hey, GrabDem, why do you tell them that when we traded Kenyon Green, when you said a real head coach couldve gotten Jalen Carter and a 3rd, not the lame 6th and Johnson?GrabDem only had time to go Wha before Ryans leapt across the room and went absolutely berserk. Id heard about what an angry Ryans could do, but sweet , what Ryans did that dayroundhouse kicks, upcuts, every finishing move from Wrestlemania XVIII, a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. Oh, and the screamsoh, the screams. At one point, the action got so brutal that Caserio had to enter Ryanss office again. What did Caserio do?Just told him that this time, the office cleaning would come out of his salary. Ryans looked up for a moment, rage upon rage in his eyesthen he just nodded and went back to work. Well, that is how it went downat least as much as I know. Now, about that browser historyOh, did Cal say anything? Cal? Nah! Dont think he knows. Caserio just told Hannah that the guy was done. Told her we saved more money than the Titans, and she was of story. So, as the Texans gear up for the draft, questions remain. Who will Houston draft? Will the Texans further add to its defense? What are the cap ramifications? Can the organization go a few weeks without another massive bio-hazard clean-up? Stay tuned.

HOUSTON - The 2025 NFL Year is two months along. For the 32 NFL franchises, the action has been fast and furious. So it was with the Houston Texans....

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